Наши любят спрашивать американцев каждый чих.
Мне его комментарии не нужны, поскольку он не понимает сюже, а я его не рассказываю. ибо нефиг.
Он думает что у меня тут славик главный герой. А у меня не славик.
Но человек Пол в наших кругах известный, ("секретные материалы", "звездный путь" и т д), книжки пишет, лекции читает, да и старается.
на первый вариант прислал 20 страниц своих замечаний. Сейчас всего семь.
’S NOTES on “ETERNAL COLD”
The new script outline is much improved. It has many funny jokes and exciting situations. Here
are my “Scene Notes” followed by my “Overall Notes.”
SCENE 1: NOTE: Do not make Slava look like he rapes his girlfriend.
“She says this is not why she came. She says she will tell him why she came after the match. He
insists, undresses her, he turns her around, inserts.” Make this funnier.
NOTE: This sets up Slava’s INTERNAL PROBLEM: “She says, she's leaving. Right now.
Because he's dumb. Very stupid. An animal. That there's no relationship anymore.” This is
a very important piece of information for the audience. Slava is “a stupid animal.” He is
also “SELFISH.” For the movie to have “Internal Change in Slava” — and to increase the
audience’s satisfaction in the movie — we need to see Slava become smarter or wiser by the
end of the movie — and do so that IS NOT SELFISH — but is SELFLESS — that saves his
team-mates. This is ONE KEY to much better script.
NOTE: The OTHER KEY is making the other players SELF-CENTERED and not playing
together. Perhaps each player wants to be the STAR — so in the beginning they’re NOT
working together as a team. Over the course of the story, they learn to WORK
TOGETHER and form a TEAM in order to SURVIVE. So they leave the Museum as a
NOTE: It’s funny when the guys make fun of Slava for losing the girl.
SCENE 2: NOTE: The team psychologist can name his Slava’s Problem — he’s an egomanic --
all out for himself. Of course his girlfriend left him — because he was never there for her. He
was only there for himself — just the way he plays. This SETS UP the Character’s Problem and
gives a CLEAR INTERNAL PROBLEM to fix by the end.
NOTE: Set up the PROBLEM that the rest of the players are NOT playing as a team. Desperate
to win, they all try become the STAR.
FUNNY: They make fun of the Art Historian stealing Slava’s girl.
SCENE 3: When Slava has sex with his girlfriend, he should make it all about himself. What
he wants — not even really noticing her. He’s a selfish lover.
SCENE 4: Very funny: “Stasik, decides they need to beat him up. Not the goaltender, but this
art historian!” NOTE: They could blame the “Art Historian” for their loss. (They secretly have to blame
someone else and not themselves. They say they want to get the “Mojo” back. They are actually
hiding private shame and anger toward themselves — and projecting it onto other people.)
NOTE: They should not “all be the victorious five.” Although they are all great players, they
are NOT a real team. They need to learn to WORK TOGETHER and STAR TOGETHER over
the course of the story. By the end they survive because they’re a team.
SCENE 6. — Funny — they beat up the “wrong Grandpa.”
QUESTION: Alyona drops out of the story. Do you want her to come back by the end — but
now Slavik has changed. Does he want her back? How should the audience feel about her?
NOTE: The Art Historian should comment on the “SELFISHNESS of humanity” — which
reflects the INNER PROBLEM of all the Hockey Players: 'All art', says Four eyes, 'tells us that
humans are self-centered, egocentric losers. That people only look out for themselves are good
for nothing. But as important as people think they are, they are actually weak, insignificant
creatures, controlled by their small little egos and ridiculous passions.”
NOTE: Stasik should be “Anti-Art” — “All artists are faggots!” It would be funny that by the
end of his time in the museum, he learns to like and appreciate art. So when they are assigned to
return to the museum, Stasik is happy about this — and wants to see new collections.”
SCENE 7: This scene with the head guard – “Major” — is unclear. Clarify this discussion
about “artificial intelligence.” There should be more tension, fear, and activity when they
realize, “Alexander killed a man!”
SCENE 9: Clarify “Cold Weapon” exhibit. What does this mean?
SCENE 10: If the story is mean to show a group of “Selfish Ego-Centric Players gradually
learning to become a team” — then early on we should show them NOT helping each other but
only looking out for themselves.
SCENE 12: VERY FUNNY: Alexander swings a sword and accidentally chops off a statue’s
penis. GIVE US MORE FUNNY MOMENTS LIKE THIS throughout the script!
SCENE 13 — Rather than saying — 'The boys will take their phones and call the police, their
mothers, their coach and upload their videos to the internet.' SHOW the boys doing this — and
they have to block all communication channels.'
SCENE 14 — The “Reporter” needs to be a more active character in the story. Perhaps she
becomes more important or a LOVE INTEREST for one of the Hockey Players. SCENE 16 — The “multi-handed” doctor is a delusion — right?
SCENE 17 — Why does Alexander “stands up with Slavka on his shoulder and carries him
somewhere” ? Is this meant to be a mystery? Is Alexander guilty?
SCENE 18 — The players seem cold and uncaring about their Stasik’s death. This shows them
being self-centered. This apparent death might wake them up a little.
We need to slowly make them sees the stupidity and danger of being self-centered. Gradually,
they are forced to become a team if they want to survive. THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN TOO
QUICKLY — but over time.
As I have mentioned in my previous notes — WE NEED TO HAVE CLEAR, DISTINCTIVE
CHARACTERS. In the current draft, I don’t feel that we have clear, memorable characters.
They all seem and act and talk in the same way. PLEASE MAKE THEM DIFFERENT AND
They NEED a PLAN to DRIVE the entire movie. Is it just to survive in the beginning? Does it
become a debate — should they go find SLAVKA? Some say ‘No — fuck him. He’s on his
own.” One players changes sooner than the others — says, “We have to find him.” They argue
and debate the subject.
SCENE 26: NOTE: GOOD — The selfish players are ‘Looking for a friend.'
SCENE 29: NOTE: The journalists need to have a mission. They need to sneaking through the
museum — trying to discover something. They can’t just be having sex.
SCENE 33: — VERY FUNNY: Director cracks in the middle, divides in two, and becomes two
smaller Directors. Then every small Director divides in two and becomes four smaller Directors.
Then eight, until many Directors the size of a finger start running to different directions. Karolina
manages to stomp them and they become wet spots on the floor. But some small Directors still
manage to get away.
SCENE 39: GREAT — The hockey players have escaped! Again, they start to need each other
and realize they can do this alone — just like they cannot win a hockey game alone!
SCENE 40: The Nyphomanic Reporter is funny, BUT... I think she should be involved with one
of the Hockey Players — and not some random cameraman.
SCENE 41: The scene with the Oracle is a little unclear. WE NEED TO BE FOLLOWING SLAVIK — he’s disappeared from the script. How is he
going change over the course of the story. He can’t keep looking out for himself. He needs to
start looking out for his friends. He should gradually learn to protect all his friends.
SCENE 43: I am missing our heroes. They need a PRO-ACTIVE STORY. Once again, I
think there should be some type of romantic storyline with the female reporter.
SCENE 46: This is interesting dialogue between Stasik and the Doctor — but if feels like the
story has stopped. This information should DRIVE the story forward toward a CLIMACTIC
GOAL — Which should include Stasik also helping his team survive.
SCENE 47: Perhaps the Reporter (“Nymphomanic”) could be part of Slavik’s story? Does he
learn to care about her — and not just use her? Again, a great story involves “CHARACTER
CHANGE and TRANSFORMATION.” How does Slavik change in the course of this story --
toward his friends? How does he change toward Women? How does he change toward
SCENE 48: GOOD NEW UNDERSTANDING: Tokha says, “I don't know what's going on,
guys, but we need to stick together.” For this to work well in the story, EACH ONE needed
to BREAK UP AND ONLY LOOK OUT FOR HIMSELF EARLIER. NOW THEY
BECOME A TEAM TO SURVIVE.
SCENE 51: Alexander says, “ A Nightmare is when you can't do anything or you don’t have
any goal.” This is how the movie can be made stronger: Make the Hockey players “do
something” and “GIVE THEM A STRONGER GOAL.”
SCENE 53: Please make it clearer — why does Alexander choose to help them?
VERY FUNNY: Alexander: “I have one weakness... If something drives me crazy — I kill
everything that moves.”
SCENE 55: SLAVIK is our main hero. I don’t think he should lie bleeding on the table.
He needs to now be a “SELFLESS HERO” in the climax and help others!
SCENE 59: SLAVIK should be the one who says, “We are one family now.” Not as a
questions, but as a new understanding. So his character changes from “Selfish” to
The Hockey players learn that they’ll be forced to return to the museum. If they’ve learned
anything, perhaps they’ve gained an appreciation of art and are looking forward to coming back.
Maybe they’ve learned that this is where all the pretty girls come, too.OVERALL NOTES:
THESE ARE NOTES FROM BEFORE THAT SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN THE
The Audience still needs to know — ‘Whose movie is it?’ Slavik and the Hockey Players start off
like the main characters in the movie — but then they sometimes disappear from the story for too
Need to creative 6 to 7 distinctive characters with different problems, flaws, and wants that are
revealed as they change throughout the story.
The writers need to give each main character their own problem, their own flaw, and their
own individual goal to make this a complete story.
WHAT ACTION SLAVIK WILL HE NOT TAKE RIGHT NOW — BUT HE WILL TAKE IN
THE CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE?
BIG NOTE: We need to be introduced to “TOKHA,” “KOLYAN,” LYONSHIK,” and “TIMA”
in the beginning of the story. Reveal who they are through their actions and words in conflict
with the opposing team, with each other, and within themselves! What do they want? What do
they value? What do they believe? What makes them laugh and what makes them angry? How
do they want to be perceived by others? We can reveal a lot about them through their actions and
words during the Hockey match.
BIG NOTE: EVERY SCENE IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE US A LITTLE MORE
INFORMATION ABOUT EACH OF THESE MAIN CHARACTERS — WHICH COMES
OUT WHEN THEY ARE IN CONFLICT OR CONNECTIONS WITH EACH OTHER.
REVEAL WHAT THEY WANT. WHAT THEY DON’T WANT. WHAT THEY DREAM
ABOUT. WHAT THEY SECRETLY FEAR. WHAT IS THE MASK THEY WEAR? DOES
THE AUDIENCE LEARN SOME OF THE SECRETS THEY HIDE FROM THE OTHER
NOTE: What is the plan of the Hockey Players? We NEED to see their individual
characters being revealed through conflict and pressure. Right now, they all act exactly the
same. They have no unique point- of-view or voice. Need to put them in conflict. If they’re
stupid — then they should come up with stupid plans that make us laugh?
BIG NOTE: The movies has be more like a VIDEO GAME — where the HOCKEY
PLAYERS are combating various creatures or antagonistic forces . These dangerous
opponents should become meaner and more violent as the story progresses. Some scenes
can be scary, while others can be funny.We must like the Hockey Players and have empathy for their situation. We will root for them to
survive and escape the museum. But most importantly, we will also root from them to change
from their old flawed or wounded self — and become stronger, more honest, more selfless men.
Have writers answer these 4 questions for every main character:
1) EXTERNAL PROBLEM and DESIRE?: What is their “Ego” fighting for in the “External
Plot?” They all want to escape the museum. But what are their own individual problems and
2) INTERNAL PROBLEM and NEED?: Beyond their “external desires,” what do they
“NEED” “Internally” — on a psychological, emotional, soulful, or spiritual level?
3) WHAT IS EACH CHARACTER’S WEAKNESS?: How are they Flawed, Limited,
Blocked, or Wounded? Do they overcome their weakness over the course of the story
4) SELF-REVELATION: What will the main characters discover or learn about themselves in
the course of the journey? In the beginning, they have to be THE OPPOSITE of how they are at
the end of the journey. Ask: what does my CHARACTER DO AT THE END — that he COULD
NOT DO at the beginning of the story?
ORDER OF SCENES:
STORY WORLD? Begin with an exciting opening to hook the audience and introduce them to
the players in this unique world.
Keep setting up the audience to expect something — then surprise them and have someone
else exciting, funny, scary, or unexpected happen.
GHOST?: What TRAUMATIC EVENT “haunts” each character? What did they lose? What
are they ashamed or guilty of? Over the course of the story, we will slowly REVEAL each MAIN
FATAL FLAW? How did the character deal with this loss? What was their survival mechanism?
Coping with drugs, alcohol, isolation, addiction, being a workaholic, cutting off his emotions,
becoming violent. How did these seeming solutions to his problem NOW BECOME HIS
PROBLEM? How has this traumatic experience shaped their lives? (NOTE: This information
will be revealed over the course of the story.)FALSE BELIEF? / FALSE PERCEPTION? How did this trauma change what they believe
and how they see in the world?
What is their Philosophy about life? (How are they wrong — only they can’t see it?) Who has an
opposing Philosophy about life?
FALSE ACTIONS? What are your main characters’ and the Opponents’ Negative/False
Actions? How are they destructive and self-destructive? How do they hurt other people and
GREATEST FEAR?: Figure out each character’s greatest fear — then make them face it and
OVERCOME IT in the story.